feeling good ! 

I just think mondays are a fresh start. You get a chance to do a whole new week all over and anything you feel like you got wrong last week, you can get it right this time. And week after week, you get better and better as a person – and who doesn’t love growth ? Not to mention this year, my birthday falls on a Monday which is awesome too. 

  

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racially charged. 

so I just read an interesting article on bossip (if yu can call anything on that rag an ‘article’ – still pretty entertaining) and I came across the TIME mag cover that states that Black Lives Matter. 

  

NOW – 

In this article, it was stating many of the adverse opinions seen on Twitter by white people ! The most common thought was that ALL lives matter not just black lives. But here’s what those white people don’t seem to understand – 

– white people aren’t being gunned down in the street, with several witnesses, and their killer is still permitted to go free 

– when a white person IS murdered, or featured in the news period, they are represented by all the good things they have done, while black people are represented only by their criminal record, as if that is reason enough that their life did not matter. 

– while I personally haven’t had any adverse confrontations with police myself, and they are usually very courteous with me, I have to fear for the safety of my blood brothers, and now apparently my grandfather as well ! and I never took kindly to threats to my family, perceived or real. 

– and really, white privilege prevents any type of understanding on the part of the white community. by no means am I saying that white people haven’t had horrible things happen during run-ins with police, but this issue right here is something you will never be able to relate to or argue about because the systematic oppression of the race that essentially built this nation with their blood, sweat, torture and tears is something that has already been proven. 

so, yes, all lives do matter. but black lives are the only lives that seem to matter less, and that is why it isn’t about any other race. 

RIP to any black man who has died and hasn’t gotten justice. there are simply just too many to name. 

finding peace. 

took a hiatus, but I’m back now. 

For my first piece after my hiatus, I want to talk about finding peace. I’m in a relationship that I am enjoying and I’m extremely pleased with, and for some reason there are those that would rather see us apart. 

one question : WHY ?? 

More than anything, I feel sadness. Sadness for those who are so miserable, so lost in life and so terribly unhappy that they look to the first ray of light they see and try to darken it. I wish I could say these people need the most love and the most support, but I am human and the love and support will not come from me because I feel wronged and I just don’t care to give these hurt people what they need. But I do pray that they get it. People live years and go through partner after partner and may never find the love that I have found, so I can understand those who wish to have it. But I don’t understand, condone, or support, those who try to spit on what they don’t have.  

 

anger.

I’m a girl with a couple of expunged charges to her name. thankfully I wised up about crime and my future before I could get into any severe trouble, but I have always struggled with staying calm and finding my peace.

My mentality used to be fight or stab instead of fight or flight, until I was arrested with my precious pink blade that I still have never replaced in an effort to RELAX.

And I have made strides ! but my strides have not come without a cost.

-cutting
-not eating
-severe depression

are some of the few things I’ve experienced in my quest to find what will keep me sane. thankfully, I’m past those stages and I can (8 times out of 10) control myself by stepping back, taking a logical, preemptive look at things, and making well thought out decisions before acting (a patience that has come to me with age, I’m sure).

SO ! I say all this to say –

with all the effort I put into the universe to try and keep my life clean and sane and away from bullshit and things that will throw me off, I still manage to get into situations where the young lady that I was in 2005 wants to return. the world has forgotten the damage that I can do, the evil side of my Gemini whispers to me at times. but the effort that goes into holding her back, taxes the rest of me also. and I realize, as I type this, that this is life. and it will go on, and I will continue to exercise the restraint that I have honed for almost 10 years. no matter how deserving someone may be of a quick left in the throat.

Amen !

break

feels like I haven’t done this in forever but here goes ….

In the time I was gone I realized many things about the world and myself, I’ll share them with you guys in a list. I love lists.

1- philly is a great place.
I went with my love interest and had a great time. Dottie’s dinette is tops and I am totally a regular now.

2- the one thing you really don’t want to happen, absolutely will.
Not in particularly every situation, but it’s always all fucking bad when it happens. like seriously.

3- patience really is a virtue.
I have been trying really hard to have more patience with life in general and to not get angry so quickly and go red ; (weed and meditation helps, along with ice cream and pie) and being calm is actually way less energy consuming than always being so on a thousand.

4- while I love protective styling, I love my hair more.
I’m currently rocking a full head weave and I hate it. I want my curls back, I want to touch and play in my hair and this shit needs to go. It’s lucky I promised my grammy I would keep it until the 29th. after that this shit is out of here !

This is the last one –

5- what goes around truly does come back around.
Not in my case personally because I’m an extremely karma conscious individual so I try to only put out goodness ; but I have definitely witnessed some very severe situations in which some nonsense that could have been prevented occurred, and I was reminded to keep my karma clean.

SO ! These are a few of the things that I have picked up in maybe the last month or two. I’m going to go back to my consistent blogs though so stay tuned !!

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why …..

soooo you know the days when you’re just like why ? like why me. and you kind of just want to stay in bed and cry.

I’m having one of those.

idk if I’m pms-ing or what, but the ever present ‘life’ is pressing down on my chest and I cannot breathe. and it sucks because I left my house already and I can’t even cancel everything I had to do for the day. I couldn’t have done that anyway, but I at least would have had time to get my self together. I’m gonna get some kind of snack or treat and maybe I’ll feel better. cuz so far, my day fucking sucks.

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shrinkage

shrinkage will really have the world thinking you are bald headed ! yes, my hair is curly, yes it appears to be not much, but I have 3 inches of hair on my head, and this month makes 6 months without a haircut on the 24th.

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oh yeah, I colored my hair with Creme of nature honey blonde, and I didn’t suffer any damage or breakage. I have been conditioning like a madman, so that might have something to do with it. I don’t do anything extra to make my hair grow faster, I’m just taking it as it comes and taking my time. I don’t really wanna rush and end up with thin or unhealthy hair so I’m just going to let it run its course.

human.

I am a human being. with feelings. and those feelings get hurt !

I’m sick of people trying to act all hard and emotionless and acting like things don’t get to them sometimes. I understand wanting to keep negative feelings private but acting like you don’t have them is just fucking stupid. acting like you don’t have them doesn’t magically cause them to erase themselves ; and if you REALLY don’t have them, then you are by definition a sociopath, which honestly is no better than being emotional. just saying.

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